Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
