I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
