The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
