I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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