I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How naked do you want me to be?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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