if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
