First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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