i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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