There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
