grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
