you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
