I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
