there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
