Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Houston, we have a squirter
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
