I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
time to smoke my breakfast
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
