Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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