when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
