she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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