Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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