hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
