If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
