i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
