just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
