Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
