You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
