OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So apparently I’m into choking now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
