I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
