There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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