Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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