Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
