we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How does it feel to date your dad?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
