My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
