My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
