i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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