You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
