I wannas sexs uuuuu
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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