if i can run in heels then i can drive
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
