I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And then he peed in my hair
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