Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
