yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
