you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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