my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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