i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
