hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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