I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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