just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
