I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
