I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
