i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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