Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
