So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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