Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
